GLITTER GUIDE: Calculated Ways To Make Them ~LUST~ You
Mastermind like T Swift.
Today I relapsed with a prairie dress.
After a too-long stint of dressing like I just stepped out of a Laura Ingalls Wilder novel, I vowed to retire puffy sleeves for good, last Spring.
Yet here we are, less than a year later, and I’m back to bad habits. Shooting up a white scalloped floor-grazing dress peppered with little rosebud appliqués and an eery ruffle trim.
Go easy on me. I am having an objectively excruciating week: Grief But Make It Fashion™ vibes.
And dressing like a milkmaid just does something to me. Awakens my self-destructive side. What is more self-destructive than a prairie dress? Prairie dresses on adult women make the masses skitter away in discomfort. It’s a direct repellent of attraction and connection.
But since I can’t revoke the fact that I willingly dressed myself like I’m in a polygamous Mormon cult (or cosplaying as a precocious child attending a birthday party)—why not lean into the un-flattery of it all and spill my dark secrets on a public platform?
After all, once upon a time, I earned my entire income by over-sharing on the internet. Plus, don’t you think the confessional essay trend is long overdue for a big, glittery comeback? We’re all sick of watching you show off your “breathwork” routine. Tell us about the time your psychotropic meds *turned* on you. Or when you slashed your boyfriend’s tires with fresh acrylics. Or told a big fat lie just because. (Cut to me earnestly sharing my breathwork routine on Insta stories tomorrow).
Anyway. Today, I’m going to reveal all the ~curated~ ways I’ve seduced new lovers.
For the record—I’ve only ever used these tactics on women I *know* I’m truly falling for (that’s a lie—I used to practice on boys in high school, oopsie) because I don’t believe in abusing the sacred powers of seduction. It’s in my ethos that one must *only * dabble in the seductive arts if they *actually* want what’s in front of them.
Otherwise, it’s black magic, bad karma.
Some people seduce for validation, which I do get—we’ve all had seasons of life where we’re full of gaping holes—but if you’re still seducing for sport after your frontal lobe has fully formed by age 25—it’s time for some therapy. I’m not judging—but like, get ahead of it, little sis ‘cause you don’t want to be one of “those” adults. It’s not cute or kind to lure and leave.
Another thing—and I need you to pay close attention to this one, babes: Seducing is NOT love-bombing.
I reiterate: Seducing. IS not. L-O-V-E bombing.
Love bombing is when a person manipulates you into a “connection” or a relationship by flooding your orbit with grandiose, romantic gestures. Then they inevitably turn on you, which renders kind, honest ‘folk like you and I gaslit and questioning our sanity. “But they sent me one thousand roses and told me they loved me more than life itself! How can that be the same person who shattered my self-esteem into a million little pieces? Maybe I’M the problem.”
Seducing Zara style is one hundred percent void of ill intent; its only agenda is to playfully flirt and (hopefully) ensure your lover doesn’t forget you.
Ever.
Purr!
Also, calculated seduction is only successful if the person you covet is ~organically~ already into you. The objective is to further drive the point home. Make it so you “accidentally” cross their mind throughout the business day so they’re hot and bothered on Zoom meetings.
Have you listened to the song Mastermind by Taylor Swift?
In the modern ballad Swift confesses to orchestrating the process of some dude falling for her. Of making it effortlessly appear as if the stars magically aligned. But our little blonde pop-sensation reveals she’s *secretly* ~master-minding~ the whole spectacle.
When I first heard it, I’d never felt so seen. And so called out.
I’d planned on never telling anyone that beneath the easy-breezy exterior I potray in my dating life I’m actually uncool and strategic—to you know—keep up “the lore”—but fuck it. I’m 38 wearing a prairie dress. The cat’s out of the bag; might as well draw the razor across the flesh.
And as the wise T. Swift advises in her brilliant lyrics: “If you fail to plan/you plan to fail/strategy sets the scene for the tale.”
I don’t want to fail and as your lesbian big sis—I *really* don’t want you to fail either, so I’m taking one for the team. Here goes:
Tactic 1: Be all over their sheets.
If you want them to lust and long for you in the salad days of courtship—you *must* do as follows. Trust me on this one, I’m an expert.
Step one: Leave their domicile early in the morning, before 7 a.m. during the work week and before 10 a.m. on the weekend. Not because you “want to” because you have “things to do.”
Nothing is less attractive than a person void of a full, thriving, busy life of their own. Less is simply less when it comes to fashion, indeed—but less is more when it comes to *seduction.* Give someone the gift of missing you. You’ll both receive.
Step Two: Before you rush off to brunch with the gays or that big glam audition or meeting—you are to pull this sophisticated power move: When your new lover pads into the kitchen to make you a to-go coffee or grab you a bottle of water (as they should💅) reach into your purse and unearth a bottle of your signature fragrance. It *must be* a sexy statement scent—Black Opium by YSL, Dior Poison, or my current controversial favorite: Angel by Thierry Mugler (a high school classic I’ve recently revisited. Works like a charm.)
Step Three: Once your fragrance is safe in hand and you’re certain they’re still busying themselves in a different room (getting caught kills the lore)—you must spray the entire bed down with your chosen scent (check out my guide to finding your perfect fragrance here).
This means that after you’re gone, when they inevitably hop back to bed to secure a few more hours of sleep—you will stroll into their *~subconscious~* mind. They’ll dream about you. They’ll wake up thinking about you. They’ll pitter-patter back into the bedroom mid-day to grab a hoodie and BAM. They’ll catch a whiff, you’ll hijack their cute little mind. They won’t know why—but suddenly they’ll be fixating on whatever hot stunt you pulled in bed last night.
Scent is the most visceral of the senses. It gets you out of your head and catapults you back in your body. The goal is to have a primal impact on your lover and drenching them with your scent is a surefire way to achieve a guttural reaction.
They might sweetly purr something along the lines of: “I smelled you all over my sheets,” shortly thereafter. And in that case, simply bat your lashes and act like you have no clue what they’re talking about.
Tactic 2: The This Is Just How I ROLL Trick.
In my big jewelry box of seduction gems, this might be my single most calculated crystal of the whole collection. And I have to say: if you’re a natural-born performer like moi—it’s rather fun to produce.
Step one: Last minute, invite them over to your apartment. Make sure they’re already in the area or else you’ll seem desperate.
Maybe they’ve just had dinner with a friend down the street? Text them: “Oh, you’re at Salty Girl on Sunset? They have the best (insert the most expensive item on the menu),—don’t they? I live down the street. Pop by for a nightcap xo (no emoji).”
This ALONE will fan the flames of desire. It will make you appear carefree and free spirited. Like you’re one of those girls that doesn’t require hours to prep for a date—you’re an easy-breezy beautiful CALIFORNIA girl.
It also reads as being really comfortable in your skin. By extemporaneously asking them over you’re showing that you don’t overthink everything which is super refreshing in this age of incessant neuroticism.
Plus, bringing up a pricey dish (and boldly assuming they ordered it) sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. They’ll know off the bat that you’re a girl who knows her fucking worth. A girl who treats herself to the caviar has high expectations and clearly loves herself. And high standards and self-love are hot.
Step two: While they’re wrapping up dinner you need to get to work, little sister.
Open the windows, allow fresh air to penetrate the dull room. Make sure your apartment is beautiful and immaculate.
Light scented candles.
Dim the lights.
Slather yourself in so much body butter your skin gleams like the sun.
Throw on something lounge-y but sexy: no bra white tank drawstring silk pants low on the hip—oversized sweater spilling over a bare shoulder cotton short shorts—you get it. When I’m alone I’m in fetal position in Hello Kitty pajamas; when my girlfriend comes over I happen to be artfully draped on the sofa in a chic negligée.
As far as beauty goes—it’s not the time for a smoky eye. It’s too loud, it’ll blow your cover. Either go full blast scrubbed clean face (which if they’ve only ever seen you in makeup will be an exciting novelty in of itself)—or apply “no makeup makeup.” The goal is to look hot, but like you exerted no effort into your hotness—this is just how you roll, honey. Extra points if your hair is still wet from the shower. Be sure to fragrance yourself from head to toe (in the same one you sprayed on their sheets—consistency is key). Put some Lana on in the background. Set a mood without looking like you set a mood, so maybe drape a nice cashmere sweater over the chair.
Step 3: Right as you’re buzzing them up to your apartment dutifully pull out your laptop and act like you’re furiously working on something creatively invigorating. Or pretend to be reading a big thick impressive literary classic. Have a glass of wine on the coffee table that’s full to the brim—you poured it because you’re fabulously indulgent—but you’re also a boss bitch so immersed in your work you “forgot” to take a sip.
Seeing a person looking natural and focused in their element is the ultimate TURN ON. In fact world renowned desire expert, Esther Perel, says one the key pillars of attraction is watching someone do something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. You writing the next great American novel has nothing to do with them. So get on it, girl.
Tactic 3: Don’t Acknowledge The GLAM
Do you know what’s WILDLY sexy and refreshing? A well-groomed, well-dressed hottie who doesn’t take herself all that seriously. It’s tough; I’m a fashion beauty bitch and sometimes am tempted to make it my whole personality. But I catch myself. Fashion beauty bitches have a bad rep in the dating world. With good reason. A lot of us can be *obsessed* with fixing our lipstick. We’re known to be always rushing off to the bathroom to “touch up.” Sometimes we’re not really listening or engaging in conversation—we can struggle to be present because we’re clocking the other fashion beauty bitches at the restaurant.
A lot of people have trauma from dating our kind—they promise to never get caught up with a glam girl again. “They’re too self-obsessed.” “No fun.” “High maintenance.” “Disinterested.”
Step One (there’s only one step): Prove. Them. Wrong.
Highlight your cheekbone, wear the mega heels, the leather, the pleather, the faux-fur; get the chemical peel; highlight the hair; paint the nails red.
But then let it go.
Don’t talk about it. Don’t reference it. Don’t think about it.
Be present. Self-depricate. Ask questions. Confuse them with wild juxtaposition by unleashing your goofy side while smelling fabulously expensive and looking like you’re off to the Vanity Fair Oscar party. This will make it so *you*—my SWEET darling—are never to be forgotten no matter how the story ends. You’re the exception to the rule.
Oh and pretty please don’t talk about your fucking diet. It’s unappetizing. Our goal is invoke craving, not to suppress desire.
Tactic 4: Master The Art of The ZARTIFACT
I swear to Lana Del Rey—manicured hand pressed against raw heart: This one is organic to me.
It’s *not* calculated.
And it’s really just the result of a severe case of ADHD that is wholly under-medicated.
However.
I *highly* suggest you consciously implement this haphazard hack into your seducing practice because it’s proven to be effective.
Step one: Cue in what my friends refer to as ZARTIFACTS.
A Zartifact is an accessory, beauty product or in some cases a lone heel—accidentally left in someone else’s home. If you have ADHD you get it—we fidget. You can’t stop putting your bangles on and taking them off. Your ring is accidentally left for dead by the sink.A gold hoop glistens on the bedside table. A lace bra is strewn across the hardwood floors.
Step Two: Do as the ADHD do and forget something!
Gathering your things is hard enough for the neurodiverse and some things just get left behind.
Obviously my friends coined these things “Zartifacts” because Zara + Artifact—but tailor this to your name: Hannifact, Melissifact, etc.
Step Three: Set an alarm to remind you to leave a jewel somewhere (if you’re not an ADHD space cadet like me).
I’ve been ~told~ (recently) that this keeps you hot on their mind. Makes sense. They’re tidying up for the work day and their eye happens to catches a glimpse of your orchid pink nail polish glimmering on the kitchen table—and BAM. They think of little ole’ you. And then your hands. On their body. And that my darlings—that—is the ultimate goal. Make them think of your hands
on their body—
and they’re totally completely fucked.
So go ahead. Mastermind that shit. Taylor Swift is an actual billionaire, you know.
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