Signs You're Dating An Energy Attacker & What To Do When Things Get Scary

Is your toxic relationship "toxic"—or could it be dangerous?

*Prefer to listen? I got you—this article is narrated by ME—not creepy AI. Click the play button above.

If you are sparkly, empathetic, and connect easily with people—that is a beautiful thing.

I don’t want you ever to lose this beautiful thing. The world needs more of it.

However.

That open channel you possess—the one that lets the light flood in—is the same channel that welcomes the darkness. Being open is a vulnerability, which is wonderful.

We can not experience love without vulnerability.

We can not create moving art without vulnerability.

Vulnerability is a superpower.

That being said—some people will be drawn to our vulnerability for the wrong reasons. In particular, people who are unable to access their own vulnerability because they’ve got narcissistic tendencies, lack an authentic sense of self, are thin-skinned, or, for whatever reason, can not handle rejection or criticism in the slightest.

If you can’t tell, I’ve had hands-on experience with this kind of character. The book of Zara is cracked open wide, and yes, a nefarious entity (or two) has slithered their way into my pages.

I’m going to stray from using clinical terms when describing these kinds of people. While I’m in the throes of heavy journalistic research regarding the personality disorders and traumas that are linked to maladaptive behavior—I’m not a doctor, I’m not an expert, I’m a writer. Which is why I’m going to stick to colloquial terms and Zara-isms. I’m going to refer to these people as Energy Attackers.

Energy Attackers are different than Energy Vampires. Energy vampires bleed you dry, but they’re not diabolical. They often lack self-awareness and can’t tell that they’re sucking the air out of the room because they’re so wrapped up in their dramas. An Energy Attacker is calculated and vindictive—they go out of their way to punish or invoke fear. They are the ones who stalk, manipulate, threaten, devalue, harass and gaslight.

Energy Attackers have noses for the empathetic; they can sniff us out. Even if they’re not intellectually sophisticated or all that smart, they’re survivalists who prey on the sensitive. We’re easy targets. They know that we will take it very seriously when they express their pain to us. They use this awareness to their advantage. They’ll make a big show on the first date, telling you their sob stories in intricate detail—long before trust has been established. But here’s the thing: an energy attacker’s oversharing always comes with a heaping side of “agenda.”

Even if our body tells us something is off—we’ll often override it. Because for us, sharing is sacred. And their stories are always brutal. So we do the right thing; we hold space.

The thing is—our bodies are always right. And pretty soon, it’ll come to light that they weren’t sharing from a genuine place.

I’m still dealing with the ramifications of having an Energy Attacker in my recent orbit. And in hindsight, I can see how ripe I was for the plucking. Not only does my hyper-sensitivity and inability to draw boundaries render me appetizing to their kind on my best day—but the circumstances of my life at the time turned me into mouth-watering Energy Attacker caviar. I’d been uprooted and had just been hit with terrifying news. My guard rails were already shaky in that season of life—but now they were knocked into the dirt.

The first time I met this person, they revealed their most harrowing trauma. But that wasn’t what threw me. People often open up to me very quickly because I ask deep questions, and have always been told that for whatever reason, I make people feel safe. Don’t get me wrong: I love this about myself. It’s why I’m a good coach. Work aside, I love real connection and know it can only be cultivated through sharing our truths, even if those truths are heavy.

However.

This scenario felt vastly different from the rest, even if it looked exactly the same on paper. It’s hard to describe with words. It wasn’t cerebral; it lived below the shoulders. I experienced an overwhelming tightness in my lower belly. I felt like toxic sludge had crept into my bones. I had the same bodily reaction I get when I’m being sold something.

But, I wasn’t in a place of trusting my body compass, like I am now. Getting to a place where you honor your “gut,” even when it doesn’t make sense, is challenging. It takes tremendous confidence. Plus, I’ve made some of my best friends by skipping past the small talk and diving right on in.

How do you reckon with the only differentiating factor being that this time, your body had a negative reaction to their sharing? It’s not something they said or did, so it’s easy to talk yourself out of it. You’re being paranoid! Snap out of it! This person is trusting you with their story.

But now I realize that every time I’ve ignored my body’s cues, it’s never ended well for me. Whether it was getting into the car with that guy in high school or continuing to have a relationship with this person, I got that instant bad vibe—the dismissal of my body has led to only dark places.

So what is an Energy Attacker’s agenda in oversharing? They overshare because they’re trying to force a connection.

When two people feel safe, sharing happens organically. This isn’t organic, and the body knows it. So does the Energy Attacker. But they don’t let that stop them. They know how sensitive we are to the traumas of others, so they dump their loads, thinking that once you know how bad they had it—you’ll never leave them.

They will weaponize their faux vulnerability against you down the line: “How could you not let me go through your phone when you KNOW I have trust issues because of what happened to me as a child!”

They know this works. This is what they do; they’re old pros. (Which is why they don’t have many close long-term friendships; their relationships are fleeting or shallow).

Sometimes, their oversharing is also a tactic to manipulate us into doing the same. We might even be shocked at how good they are at listening; how many thoughtful follow-up questions they ask. This can make us feel very seen, which further compels us to disregard that initial gut feeling.

Except the intention behind their stellar listening is wildly unsavory. They want to know as much as possible about our most vulnerable issues so they can use it as collateral down the line. It can manifest into something as subtle as diminishing our feelings due to what we’ve shared: “Oh, you’re just triggered, honey,” or as brutal as threatening to tell your deepest secret to others: “I’m going to expose you.”

Or even—in cases that are not as rare as you’d think—an Energy Attacker will create aliases that will cyber-stalk us, and the harassment that’s sent our way is somehow teeming with all of our sore spots—like surprise-surprise the ones we’ve shared with them in confidence. Sometimes, they do all of this so they can swoop on in as the hero, protecting us from the villain they’ve created. It’s psychological warfare.

Sometimes, we feel ashamed or embarrassed that we allowed the Energy Attacker to manipulate us to such severe degrees that we questioned our sanity, our reality, and most pressingly; ourselves. Friends and family who haven’t had experience with an Energy Attacker might not get it, either. That’s okay. Plenty do.

Energy Attackers are masters of their craft. It’s their job to manipulate. They come on strong with the love-bombing. They know how to mirror you: they’ll say all the right things, everything you’ve ever wanted to hear and manufacture this sensation of “Oh, my god—this is meant to be.”

They’ll spoil you with over-the-top acts of kindness, buy you exorbitant gifts, and engage in extreme romantic gestures like telling you they want to marry you after knowing you for a mere twenty-four hours. They’ll tell you endlessly how good they are and lay on the examples thick.

Here’s the thing: Good people don’t need to tell you how good they are. They don’t need to charm your pants off right away. They don’t think that way. They don’t have anything to prove because they’re confident in their goodness.

Energy Attackers have to go out of their way to peacock their goodness so they can use what they did for you as a way to deflect the things they’ll do that will hurt you. When they act in ways that don’t sit well with you—they’re quick to remind you that they did A, B, and C for you—how dare you question their behavior?

So darling, listen to your lesbian big sis: no more playing the shame game if you’re feeling this way—you hear? Of course, they got to you. They get to a lot of bright people. Lawyers who are smart enough to have passed the bar can find themselves swayed by their convincing rhetoric. The police can be manipulated, too.

Have you seen the Gabby Petito documentary series? Honestly, I don’t recommend it if you’ve recently been in any kind of relationship with emotional or physical abuse, manipulation, or gaslighting. But I do think the message of the series is one we all need to be aware of—so I’ll explain the Gabby Petito story briefly.

The series tells the true story of Gabby Petito an adventurous spirit, who takes off on a road trip with her fiancé, Brian Laundrie. They're “van-life-ing” through the great American landscape—mountains, canyons, and creamy sunsets galore—all of which Gabby showcases on social media. Until she goes missing. Eventually, the tragic discovery of her remains alludes to the heartbreaking conclusion that Brain murdered her.

It’s all excruciating to watch, but the most terrifying scene (for me) was watching how easily Brain manipulates the police.

The couple gets pulled over because someone calls the police to report that they witnessed a man slapping a young girl in the face on the side of the road. They provide their license plate number, and the next thing you know, the cops are talking to Gabby, who is visibly shaken.

Brian manages to flip the situation where he’s suddenly treated like the victim, and Gabby is the perpetrator. The next thing you know she’s being reprimanded and he’s put up in a hotel by the police for the night, while things “cool down.” Meanwhile, Gabby, who is sobbing and scared out of her skull, is told to take a hot shower in a public facility and to spend the night alone in the van.

Energy Attackers attain this dangerous ability to make themselves the victim when they’re the perpetrator. In Gabby’s case, it leads to her death, which could’ve been prevented if the people who are meant to protect us were further educated on the nuances of this personality type.

And while I’m so angry at law enforcement for not seeing what’s glaringly obvious to me and every single woman I know who’s seen the documentary and been in a toxic relationship—I also know how good these people are at what they do.

My situation wasn’t anything like Gabby’s, but there were some sobering parallels: The perpetrator posing as the victim; the use of charm as a manipulation tactic; the isolation Gabby must’ve felt being so far away from her regular life. It made me realize how utterly dangerous these dynamics can be.

I hope the laws change to better protect victims, but since we aren’t even close, I’m going to start using my voice to help my amazing, sparkly readers identify some of the red flags I chose to ignore. Because the stakes are high. You might not end up like Gabby—but you could. That’s the devastating reality.

One of the most fascinating things I’ve unearthed in my research and through personal experience is that the patterns of an Energy Attacker are rarely unique. They almost always follow the same rubric, even if the levels of intensity waver.

The beautiful thing is once you see something, you can’t unsee it. Once you know something, you can’t unknow it. Now that I’m privy to these patterns, I’ll never fall victim to an Energy Attacker again—and I’ll do whatever I can to raise awareness because knowledge is power.

Let’s start with one of the first identifying factors of an Energy Attacker: your body’s reaction. Every person I’ve spoken to who has wrestled out of the arms of Energy Attacker has said, like me, that their first instinct was that something was off. Their friends and families often had the same guttural reaction. Our bodies are very wise. Please listen. The aftermath of a toxic relationship can be so much worse than emotional trauma, which is bad enough. And for some of us, anxiety can feel like “butterflies”—which is why getting a loved one’s read on who you’re dating is extremely important.

Write things down, and keep a diary of what transpires that you can refer to so you don’t get swept up in the manipulative tornado.

Don’t let shame silence you. You don’t have to share your experience with the world—just please tell someone what’s happening, or has happened. If you only internalize what you experience with an Energy Attacker, you’ll feel very lonely, and loneliness feeds shame, which feeds further isolation, which feeds our self-questioning, which feeds increased danger. Talking to my therapist, coaches, and trustworthy loved ones helps me to heal, make sense of things, and stay strong.

If you’ve gone through something like this, it’s also easy to snuff your own sparkle as a means of self-protection. I’ve been struggling with this, truthfully. But I’m getting my sparkle back, little by little. I remind myself daily that it is safe to sparkle, and I’ll remind you of the same, any chance I get. An Energy Attacker will try and make you feel otherwise because they know that your sparkle is so much more powerful than they’ll ever be. They know that the bigger your sparkle, the less control they have over you, so they’ll do whatever they can to scare or shame you into smallness.

Protect your sparkle by cutting out anyone who’s threatening to dim it—I don’t care what they say or do. If they threaten you in any way—go right to the police. Even if the visit feels fruitless; a paper trail is extremely important.

Surround yourself with only those who celebrate you. Connect with your loved ones, take care of yourself, worship at the altar of your intuition, remember your worth, seek professional help, and shower yourself with kindness, empathy, and self-love.

Stay safe, but stay sparkly. Your sparkle belongs to you and isn’t anyone’s to take. Hold on to it with everything you have.

I love you. You are not alone. PLEASE—I reiterate if you have any fears for your safety go to the police right now. Contact the resources below for additional support.

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline : This organization offers 24/7 support for those in abusive relationships. You can reach them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website for resources and chat support.

2. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) : They provide information about domestic violence, including signs of emotional abuse, safety planning, and resources for survivors. Their website is ncadv.org.

3. Hotlines and Text Lines: Many organizations have text or chat options. For example, the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741) provides 24/7 text support.

4. Legal Resources: If you're seeking legal advice or assistance, organizations like the Legal Aid Society offer resources for those experiencing domestic abuse.

5. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program: Many websites and online communities offer support specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse. You can find groups on platforms like Facebook or forums like the "Narcissistic Abuse Support" group.

6. Therapy and Counseling : Finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and narcissistic abuse can be very beneficial. The American Psychological Association (APA) provides a searchable database to find licensed psychologists.

7. Websites :

   • Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Online (narcissisticabuse.com): This site offers articles, resources, and forums for recovery.

   • The Official Site of Dr. Ramani : dr-ramani.com provides articles, videos, and workshops on narcissism and recovery.