I lost my father a year ago and my mother just a few short years before that. The bad news is that it guts you and there are constant reminders of them that bring back that pang (in my case, sweet as he is, The Inherited Dachshund, reminds me of my father every day). It was even harder for me because, for both my mother and my father, I literally had to fight my Evangelical brother to honor my parents Advanced Directives.
I'm in awe of the honesty and vulnerability that you've been able to allow us to see in your last few pieces You have a strength in you that comes through in everything you write, even the silly pieces but when you go deep, it's powerful. Just like you. I wish I'd met Blake, he sounds like he was a pretty great person.
I hope that your Mother gets through the pneumonia and that her cancer goes into a long remission so that you can have as much time with her as possible.
But, while the loss never goes away, it does get easier and the pain becomes manageable.
My dear Z, this article touched me SO SO DEEPLY !!
Grief is such a difficult thing to process emotionally because of how deep the wound hits you and how personal it is. We all experience loss differently, yet us grievers connect through it in ways other people will never be able to understand unless they go through it. And it's honestly something I don't wish to even my worst ennemy.
Z, I want to send you support first of all by sending your mum all my best wishes of recovery from her pneumonia and total ovarian cancer recovery, but also send you all my support because I know how bad and fucking painful the feeling of grieving feels like. Sometimes you sit in a chair and ask yourself "when is this pain going to leave my body? Leave my bones?" Because of how unpleasant it is. People who have never been through this don't get the fact that you can start feeling a little bit better 5 months after the loss and then suddenly on month 6-7 or 8 you feel like you want to die, you feel like you have been stabbed in your chest and the pain becomes unbearable to digest. You just sit with the pain and have to let the pain go through you. Because we have no other choice than deal with it. We can't run away from it. Even after years I can tell you I still have my father's phone number registered in my cellphone and it still says "Papa" in french. I can't erase it. I haven't been able to do it. And it's been 4 years Z.
In the first stages of loss, everything is like a mix of so many insane emotions. It is a mix of deep deep heartbreak, sadness, anger, shock, NUMBNESS. it is so hard to explain. It's something we deal with. Now I understand why some people who have been through this say "I have no words". Because they get it and because that's what discribes this level of pain the best. There are no words to truly describe this amount of pain.
Zara I am so sorry you had to go through the process of seeing your brother get sick and fighting against the disease. You took care of your brother for months. Seeing the change in his body month after month. You stood up for him. You were his superhero, you were his best friend.
I can understand this situation because my own grandmother had cancer and we took care of her and saw her fighting for her life twice.
I know how traumatic it is to see the change in someone's body. Seeing someone you love in pain is the absolute worst feeling ever.
You were tremendously BRAVE my dear ! Tremendously STRONG in this particular situation because you knew you had no other choice than numbing your feelings, for your brother. Specially knowing how emotionally expressive you are it must have been really difficult. You were the best sister he could have ever asked for, you were there for him 100%. Because you knew all of this was about him. Even though you were suffering you chose to make his last days on earth the most beautiful ones ! I am sure about this ! That only shows how much you loved and still love your brother and how much you love your family ! You are an amazing person Z ! With such a big heart ! Filled with kindness and love for people around you !
My dear I totally totally TOTALLY understand the feeling. Trust me. The day I knew my dad had died I went to work and it felt as if my world had stopped. I couldn't accept it. I didn't want to. My world as I knew it had vanished. It was over. Forever. That word scares me so much because we often say nothing is forever and everything can change but death is a process humanity haven't been able to figure out. Time suddenly stops. Things that used to matter stop mattering anymore. Because yes, the world does stop when you lose someone from your family that is close to you. I couldn't even cry. I wanted so badly to cry but for some reason I couldnt. This lasted 2 days and then I was devastated. Z I had to take the plane alone to Mexico to do all the administration stuff by myself and then see my dad's dead body and then bring him back to France to bury him. All of this in a week. It was horrible. It happened while we were dealing with Covid wordwide. I was fucking alone. No one listening to me. Nobody hugging me while I went through this in Mexico. No girlfriend, no nothing. But I did have my friends in France who truly cared and were sad for me. Even those who have never lost someone. Human empathy is what makes this whole world a better place and I truly TRULY believe in this with all my heart ❤️
This is why I say the most important thing in life is family and friends. Even more than money or work. Money comes and goes and work is something you can always find again. But people and real human connection is something else. It is what makes life WORTH EVERY SECOND OF IT. And Z, Life wouldn't be the same if all the emotions we felt were not shared with others. Just like you are doing right now, sharing your thoughts and your beautiful, raw feelings with all of us. it means SO FUCKING MUCH and it makes SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE. Someone out there can find this article and feel less alone through their grieving experience, feel understood, feel at least a little bit better. And that's all that matters.
Zara I am here for you always. I am here for you forever. Whatever you go through you can always count on me to support you and hold you and listen to you. I will always care about you. Love you so much and thank you for writing this article ! It meant so much to read you and listen to you ! YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUL ON THIS EARTH !! ❤️
The darkness, the deepness Z !! I am in tears reading this !! It is absolutely BEAUTIFUL and TOUCHING and DEEP and VISCERAL and so so REAL !! It is the best description of how it feels like to go through this insane amount of pain !! I want you to know that you are not and will never be alone in this and that I would go to that Island with you and sit next to you and hug you !! ❤️ Love you so much Z !!
I’m in week seven post losing my dad. I told my therapist it feels disingenuous to call what my family and I experienced in Dad’s last year trauma, but it is. Was. Whatever. Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one on a Grief Island.
This is incredibly powerful and true. Thank you for your gift and for sharing it with us.
I think grief is a living thing. It changes shapes over time. But it lives in us as long as we live. And for me, I’ve learned to embrace it. Because it’s the truest expression of our love.
May light and love shine upon you on your journey.
I lost my father a year ago and my mother just a few short years before that. The bad news is that it guts you and there are constant reminders of them that bring back that pang (in my case, sweet as he is, The Inherited Dachshund, reminds me of my father every day). It was even harder for me because, for both my mother and my father, I literally had to fight my Evangelical brother to honor my parents Advanced Directives.
I'm in awe of the honesty and vulnerability that you've been able to allow us to see in your last few pieces You have a strength in you that comes through in everything you write, even the silly pieces but when you go deep, it's powerful. Just like you. I wish I'd met Blake, he sounds like he was a pretty great person.
I hope that your Mother gets through the pneumonia and that her cancer goes into a long remission so that you can have as much time with her as possible.
But, while the loss never goes away, it does get easier and the pain becomes manageable.
My dear Z, this article touched me SO SO DEEPLY !!
Grief is such a difficult thing to process emotionally because of how deep the wound hits you and how personal it is. We all experience loss differently, yet us grievers connect through it in ways other people will never be able to understand unless they go through it. And it's honestly something I don't wish to even my worst ennemy.
Z, I want to send you support first of all by sending your mum all my best wishes of recovery from her pneumonia and total ovarian cancer recovery, but also send you all my support because I know how bad and fucking painful the feeling of grieving feels like. Sometimes you sit in a chair and ask yourself "when is this pain going to leave my body? Leave my bones?" Because of how unpleasant it is. People who have never been through this don't get the fact that you can start feeling a little bit better 5 months after the loss and then suddenly on month 6-7 or 8 you feel like you want to die, you feel like you have been stabbed in your chest and the pain becomes unbearable to digest. You just sit with the pain and have to let the pain go through you. Because we have no other choice than deal with it. We can't run away from it. Even after years I can tell you I still have my father's phone number registered in my cellphone and it still says "Papa" in french. I can't erase it. I haven't been able to do it. And it's been 4 years Z.
In the first stages of loss, everything is like a mix of so many insane emotions. It is a mix of deep deep heartbreak, sadness, anger, shock, NUMBNESS. it is so hard to explain. It's something we deal with. Now I understand why some people who have been through this say "I have no words". Because they get it and because that's what discribes this level of pain the best. There are no words to truly describe this amount of pain.
Zara I am so sorry you had to go through the process of seeing your brother get sick and fighting against the disease. You took care of your brother for months. Seeing the change in his body month after month. You stood up for him. You were his superhero, you were his best friend.
I can understand this situation because my own grandmother had cancer and we took care of her and saw her fighting for her life twice.
I know how traumatic it is to see the change in someone's body. Seeing someone you love in pain is the absolute worst feeling ever.
You were tremendously BRAVE my dear ! Tremendously STRONG in this particular situation because you knew you had no other choice than numbing your feelings, for your brother. Specially knowing how emotionally expressive you are it must have been really difficult. You were the best sister he could have ever asked for, you were there for him 100%. Because you knew all of this was about him. Even though you were suffering you chose to make his last days on earth the most beautiful ones ! I am sure about this ! That only shows how much you loved and still love your brother and how much you love your family ! You are an amazing person Z ! With such a big heart ! Filled with kindness and love for people around you !
My dear I totally totally TOTALLY understand the feeling. Trust me. The day I knew my dad had died I went to work and it felt as if my world had stopped. I couldn't accept it. I didn't want to. My world as I knew it had vanished. It was over. Forever. That word scares me so much because we often say nothing is forever and everything can change but death is a process humanity haven't been able to figure out. Time suddenly stops. Things that used to matter stop mattering anymore. Because yes, the world does stop when you lose someone from your family that is close to you. I couldn't even cry. I wanted so badly to cry but for some reason I couldnt. This lasted 2 days and then I was devastated. Z I had to take the plane alone to Mexico to do all the administration stuff by myself and then see my dad's dead body and then bring him back to France to bury him. All of this in a week. It was horrible. It happened while we were dealing with Covid wordwide. I was fucking alone. No one listening to me. Nobody hugging me while I went through this in Mexico. No girlfriend, no nothing. But I did have my friends in France who truly cared and were sad for me. Even those who have never lost someone. Human empathy is what makes this whole world a better place and I truly TRULY believe in this with all my heart ❤️
This is why I say the most important thing in life is family and friends. Even more than money or work. Money comes and goes and work is something you can always find again. But people and real human connection is something else. It is what makes life WORTH EVERY SECOND OF IT. And Z, Life wouldn't be the same if all the emotions we felt were not shared with others. Just like you are doing right now, sharing your thoughts and your beautiful, raw feelings with all of us. it means SO FUCKING MUCH and it makes SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE. Someone out there can find this article and feel less alone through their grieving experience, feel understood, feel at least a little bit better. And that's all that matters.
Zara I am here for you always. I am here for you forever. Whatever you go through you can always count on me to support you and hold you and listen to you. I will always care about you. Love you so much and thank you for writing this article ! It meant so much to read you and listen to you ! YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUL ON THIS EARTH !! ❤️
The darkness, the deepness Z !! I am in tears reading this !! It is absolutely BEAUTIFUL and TOUCHING and DEEP and VISCERAL and so so REAL !! It is the best description of how it feels like to go through this insane amount of pain !! I want you to know that you are not and will never be alone in this and that I would go to that Island with you and sit next to you and hug you !! ❤️ Love you so much Z !!
Beautifully written.
I’m in week seven post losing my dad. I told my therapist it feels disingenuous to call what my family and I experienced in Dad’s last year trauma, but it is. Was. Whatever. Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one on a Grief Island.
This is incredibly powerful and true. Thank you for your gift and for sharing it with us.
I think grief is a living thing. It changes shapes over time. But it lives in us as long as we live. And for me, I’ve learned to embrace it. Because it’s the truest expression of our love.
May light and love shine upon you on your journey.